July 12, 2013 –
Last week I came back from vacation rejuvenated and ready to take on anything that life would throw at me. I was still basking in the afterglow of a self-empowerment conference. I was holding on to my mantras of kindness and positivity and the lessons I learned. With each passing day, I felt the halo of goodness slowly slipping away. I found myself muttering a few times that my kindness was being tested. Today the halo slid out of sight. Today was a test and, in my heart, I know I failed. I failed to remain the person I want to be.
So I sit here tonight trying to figure out what this week’s life lesson was. I called this piece “My Shitty Week” because that is the note that the week ended on. I did not continue to ride the high from the week before. I spiraled downward towards that old, familiar low. I thought I was on my way to banishing my low self-esteem and the feelings of frustration, anger, and disappointment. But they started to creep back and, by the end of today, they were front and centre like they have been many times before. And that was how I ended my work week.
Periodically I have to interact with two colleagues and each time this happens I am left feeling frustrated. Today I failed to see their actions for what they were – small-minded and petty. I allowed them to get the better of me. So, today, they won and I lost. I shouldn’t really look at it in terms of winning and losing. But how can I not? I want to be a better person and I let them succeed in getting me to be the person that I don’t want to be. Jerks 1 – Me 0.
Today, one colleague insisted on being uncooperative to the point where a simple request involved four email exchanges. I don’t know why he couldn’t just co-operate and give me what I asked for the first time. Why did it take three additional emails? The other colleague cryptically asked for my boss’s availability and, when I asked “why”, responded with “It’s not important.” And why would I give you some of my boss’s extremely valuable time for something unimportant? Both colleagues made me feel like I was pulling teeth to get answers. Zero co-operation and mega frustration. And as the day progressed I stewed in the frustration and I let it consume me. At the end of the day I pushed my chair away from my desk and wondered why things had to be so difficult. I wondered what happened to the person who was going to look at the world through kind eyes.
I used to work for powerful people and their power enabled me to get things done. I had the respect of my peers. People asked me for my advice and they listened. Then I went to work for not-so-powerful people and I learned that I had been fooling myself. The power had never really been mine to begin with, the respect was false and everything was a facade. And the peers who wanted my time and advice no longer wanted to give me the time of day. I could no longer get anything done. I was powerless.
It’s only now, as I let the words flow from my brain and spill onto the page, that I realize that today’s events reminded me of that feeling of powerlessness and that my colleagues were, in a perverse way, feeding on those feelings. It energized them and sucked the positivity out of my life. And the gaping hole that was left was filled with their negativity. I realize, albeit too late, that two people who I have no respect for diverted me from my path. If I dwell on it, the hole will keep filling with negativity instead of the positivity that I know is inside me. Allowing them to occupy the space in my head only gives them more time in my life than they deserve.
Diary of a DOW 