July 22, 2013 –
As I was walking my dog, my mind started to drift and, before I knew it, I was revisiting familiar, dark territory. I started making a mental list of the loose ends I had to tie up before I could kill myself.
I’m not sure what triggered the thoughts. I had had a good day at work – nothing emotionally deflating occurred. Yes, I’m a little stressed about night school – but who wouldn’t be? I had a few dollars in the bank and we were getting bonuses in 2 weeks. By all accounts, life was good. Yet, here I was assuming that my cat had died (check) and now running through some excuses I could use to return the dog to the rescue he came from: lost job and had no money or lost job and was moving out west. I even imagined the conversation and could see the shocked look on the owner’s face as I explained that my life had taken a turn for the worse and I wanted her to find him a good home because I could no longer care for him. I don’t think I even realized I was doing it and I was kind of shocked at how quickly my mind slipped into that thought pattern. I hadn’t really had these thoughts since I had moved out on my own. Yet here I was, walking down the street, enjoying the beautiful homes, the cool weather and part of my brain was making the mental list of how to exit this world in an orderly fashion.
There was a part of me that found it disturbing – revisiting a place I hadn’t been to in such a long time. And a part of me found it all too familiar. I had spent a long time making my “loose ends” list and had slowly and methodically worked towards checking things off.
Diary of a DOW 