November 26, 2017 –
It’s Sunday morning. The house is quiet. Mom hasn’t gotten up yet. Being a pet owner, I rarely get the opportunity to sleep in. The cat wants to be fed and the dog wants to be walked. Today was one of the days when the fur kids wouldn’t allow me to sleep in.
The normal routine is: get up, pee, get dressed, feed the cat, take the dog out, feed the dog. Every day it’s the same. On weekends, I hit the drive thru for a coffee and something for breakfast. I pick up something for Mom. She always says “Oh you didn’t have to do that.”
Because of the fur alarm, I have the opportunity to sit and gather my thoughts. It really is the only time I have to be alone. I love my mom. I truly do. I wouldn’t change anything that I’ve done. It’s just that I do miss being alone – sometimes. Sometimes it’s a good thing. Sometimes I just get too much inside my head – a dangerous thing on those dark days.
Today I had time to think about what is and isn’t important. The holidays are coming. I am not a fan. I am a Grinch. I admit it. I embrace it. One of my friends got a me a Grinch desk ornament for Christmas. She figured that it was a way for me to embrace Christmas and show my true self at the same time. Applause.
I have been agonizing about how to graciously extricate myself from holiday festivities. For the past two years, Mom and I have had Christmas dinner at my sister’s and Boxing Day at my brother’s. Last year, my sister mentioned that she and her son might go away this year. This year, with my brother’s passing, my sister-in-law is going away. My other brother is going away too. So we’re left with going to my sister’s again and I am dreading it.
For some reason, my sister no longer speaks to me. When we are at my brother’s for Thanksgiving dinner, she brought birthday cake for dessert. Yes, it was my birthday. But she also knows that I don’t celebrate my birthday. My brother and his wife were unaware and, as the cake was brought towards the table, he joyfully shouted out “Hey everyone, it was Karen’s birthday this week!” and the whole room burst into song. As an introvert, it was torture. The look on my sister’s face was one of smug satisfaction. I shouted “No! No!” as I waved my hand over the candles to extinguish the flames. My nephew held up his phone and shouted “Let’s record this!” and he was laughing and smirking as well – like he was in on some private joke and was enjoying my pain. Later, when I was leaving, my sister conveniently left the room to avoid the awkward good-bye.
I do not want to go to her home. She knows I hate the holidays. I can just imagine what is in store for me. I have been subtly suggesting to my mom that we go away for Christmas – anywhere. I keep reminding her that my sister may be going away too and suggest we have a back-up plan in case we’re alone. She keeps saying that she wants to see what my sister has planned. I think she is secretly hoping that not everyone has forgotten about her. I keep thinking that I need to have some plausible excuses ready.
Spending time with people who don’t care about me is no longer important to me. Putting myself in a situation where I am uncomfortable is no longer important to me. Doing things just to please anybody else is no longer important to me.
Maybe solitude wasn’t a good idea today.
Diary of a DOW 