December 1, 2017 –
Once again, I feel like I’ve gone through the emotional wringer. More drama courtesy of my sister, Lynda. Mom has been stressing out because our family is scattering away for Christmas. My brother will be out of town. My sister-in-law is out of the country. Last year, Mom and I went to Lynda’s for dinner and to my late brother, Dan’s, for Boxing Day dinner. Terry told us he’d be away back in October. My sister-in-law told Mom last month that she was going to get away with friends. Who can blame her – her first Christmas without my brother. Last year, Lynda said they might go away at Christmas too.
So Mom has been waiting patiently to hear what Lynda’s plans are for Christmas Day. It’s sad to watch. Unfortunately, I can’t ask on Mom’s behalf because Lynda isn’t speaking to me. I’m reminded of how disconnected my brothers and sisters are from her; so focused on their own lives that they don’t consider hers or her time.
I’ve been making back-up plans in case Lynda doesn’t come through. If this week’s drama is any indication, then Lynda will come through – but only for Mom. I doubt I will be invited to enter her home.
Upon learning that my sister was not including me in some Christmas concert plans, my Mom wanted me to call my sister and ask her why she was treating me this way. I resented being put in a position where I would have to explain my sister’s actions towards me.
My sister started giving me the cold shoulder after I moved out of her place. This gradually led to not talking to me at all – to the point where she came into our home after my brother died to offer comfort to Mom, sit on our couch and barely say a word to Mom and totally ignore me. In our home. I was left wondering why she even came. Was it just so she could tell her friends that she spent the day with Mom? And then there was the birthday humiliation at Thanksgiving which was a clear indication that I am still on the shit list.
I lied and told Mom that I had an idea but wasn’t really sure. How could I tell Mom that my sister didn’t talk to me because I associated with her childhood abuser? How could I tell Mom that my sister claimed that our recently deceased brother abused her when she was in her early teens? My sister dropped this bombshell shortly before I moved out of her home and I have carried her secret with me for over a year. She said she felt I should know. And she wanted to know if I had been abused or if I knew if my other sisters had been abused. I couldn’t answer for them – only for myself – and my answer was “no”. She said it occurred when they were much younger and that he used to go into her room at night. She said she had blocked out the memories until about 5 years ago; when they had an argument about caring for Mom. Since that time, she said she did not associate with him or anybody who associated with him because those who associated with him were condoning abuse and were just as bad as the abuser. The logic was flawed; my mother, brother and even her own son had shared dinners and evenings out together. So the only people “punished” were my sister-in-law and, now, me. I have thought back to that period and don’t recall her ever having her own room. We were too poor. However, that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. It just means I was 5 years old and barely aware of my own life – let alone what might have gone on in the middle of the night. So I wondered if she chose that time to tell me as a way of issuing some kind of warning and putting me in a position to choose: him or her.
I hadn’t been close with my brother. I had not been invited into his home while I lived with my sister. But, once I moved out of her home, I was invited into his home on a regular basis. I was torn – I wanted to get to know my brother but her words were always in the back of my mind.
I looked at Mom. I asked her what she thought I was supposed to say. Would asking change anything or would it just give her an opportunity to be more hurtful? Mom looked like she was going to cry. I know all she wants is for us to get along. She wants us all to be a “family”. I said life was too short to be around people who didn’t care about me and whose sole intent was to cause hurt and pain. So I was living my life on my terms and those terms no longer included her.
I watched Mom’s face as she processed what I was saying. It was hard to watch her accept that she had raised children who didn’t seem to care about each other. The sadness in her eyes spoke volumes. I don’t think that any of us kids, including me, realize the position she has been put in and how stressful it is for her. She is being forced to navigate complex relationships at a point in her life when she should just be sitting back and enjoying the time she has left.
My sister may think she is hurting me but the truth is that she is hurting our mother – more than she knows. I thought she would find peace after our brother died. I thought a page could be turned. I hoped she would finally move on and stop punishing people for something we were not responsible for. Apparently not.
Diary of a DOW 