January 9, 2018 –
I started writing this at the end of December. The end of the year is a time to reflect and a time to dream. It’s been a helluva year. It’s been hard to see the positives. Everything in the news is negative. I sit back and wonder what has happened to humanity – people feel it’s their right to impose their beliefs on another and, in some cases, kill in the name of those beliefs. People don’t have enough food to eat or clean water to drink. People are choosing to die, fleeing their homeland, rather than continue to face oppression and brutality. I see compassion being in short supply – helping hands aren’t extended. I see the world we live in now – the impacts of global warming and the ever-increasing divide between the haves and the have nots.
The state of the world should give me much-needed perspective. My life, as sad and hopeless as it feels, is not as bad as a lot of other people’s. I have a roof over my head and food in my fridge. I have a job and I can pay my bills. I have a mother who loves me unconditionally. I have family – although it seems to be a bit fractured right now. I have friends – but they are far away.
The year has been a rollercoaster of highs and lows. There were many times I just wanted it to stop. I ached, and continue to ache, for normal but I’m afraid I don’t know what normal is anymore.
As I sit here, I note how different things have touched me in different ways for different reasons. The oddest things set off tears – commercials, romcoms on the W network, the silent darkness of my room late at night. I stare at my walls and realize that I have chosen my life and the only one accountable for the sorry state is me.
At the end of 2017, I was in a bar with my family and a crowd of strangers. For those that don’t know me – there are things that I hate doing – being in a bar and celebrating New Year’s Eve in public. I do not enjoy the loud, forced atmosphere and the company of sloppy drunks. I have always rung in the new year at home; preferably alone. This year was a departure for me. I did this solely for my mother and my sister, Diane, and niece, Lisa, who were visiting. My mother thought it would be a great idea if we all went and saw my brother, Terry, and his band play. Normally, I don’t mind going to see him play. However, a bar on NYE was not what I wanted. But we do things out of obligation and expectation. It didn’t matter what I wanted. On the ride home, after sitting in this bar for 5 hours, I looked at my mom and said that I would not be doing this next year. I said I understood why this year was special but never again. I tried to catch the look on her face – was it sadness, disappointment, or acceptance. I continued to explain how this wasn’t my thing and she agreed – it wasn’t hers either. But, she wanted the family to be together.
Mom still clings to the idea that family should do things together. She doesn’t understand why we all don’t get along or why we can’t behave “like a family”. I don’t have the heart to tell her that the desire to forge our own paths, alone, is a higher priority. I also don’t have the heart to tell her that she has raised children who put themselves first above anyone else. I also don’t have the heart to tell her it also probably has a lot to do with the fact that, as children, we were always forced to do things together as a single unit. I bit my tongue. I’m not the one who wants to burst her bubble. She is already sad because my brother and sister are too busy to make time for her. Why should I add to the misery?
My sister Diane has been through a helluva year too – broken bones, infections, shingles, and more. I only heard about all of this during her visit. I’m not sure how she coped – all she had was her daughter to help her. I can understand the burden my niece carried. Caregiver with no support. Diane announced that 2018 was going to be the year of positive thought. Kiss negativity good-bye at the stroke of midnight. I am trying – and I guess that is all anybody can ask.
She gave me a ring as a reminder that, even though we are thousands of miles apart, I am connected to her and my niece. I often look at that ring as a reminder that I’m not alone and I need to keep positive thoughts. She had some sage advice about my sister, Lynda. All I can do is keep trying to include her and eventually she will come around. Eventually she will realize that her thoughts and perceptions about me, while her own, are not accurate. I can only hope.
We all had dinner on New Years Day. The conversation turned to family – my brother was explaining how his soon-to-be ex-wife was too close to her family and couldn’t bear being away from them. They were her priority. He didn’t understand the bond and, to some extent, none of us did. When does your priority change from your birth family to your spouse? It’s a juggling act. My brother and my oldest sister, Lynda, shared their belief on the role of family – it’s there to support you in the rough times but you didn’t do everything together. Lynda said “We’re individuals.” I found it ironic as she was the one who wanted to be included in any plans that were made while our sister, Diane, and our niece, Lisa, were here visiting. I guess she wanted to know but we shouldn’t expect her to join in? She actually held true to that statement – the only two things she did with the “family” was NYE and the dinner. Yet I had to keep her informed of all plans. Oh well.
I was very happy to say good bye to 2017 and the roller coaster. As the year was ending, my mantra become “Life is too short. My conscience is clear.” I guess it’s a version of “Live your life and your truth. Be who you are without hesitation or guilt. Own your decisions and don’t apologize for how you live your life.”
I am trying to look forward to 2018. We’re now two weeks in. I try to greet each morning with a positive attitude. I’m on this side of the dirt. I have more “haves” than “have nots”. The key is to remember to focus on your haves.
Diary of a DOW 