August 14, 2018 – I have been sitting at my desk for over an hour; staring at my computer screen. Zero motivation to do anything. Depression has wrapped its arms around me and I can’t free myself from its embrace. It has been a daily struggle to go in to work.
I have been working on a revised job description for months. Yes, I should be glad I have a job. Yes, I have learned a lot. However, at some point, the words on the paper don’t lie…….what I was hired to do isn’t what I’m doing. The HR consultant told me I needed to use more important words – it wasn’t reflecting the level of the role. I told her I wanted authenticity. I was not one of those people who was going to inflate a job description to make the job sound more important. I said the reality was that a person who was going to take on this job when I left should know that it’s not just supporting a CEO and a board – there should be no surprises. She understood but continued to press for changes. We agreed to disagree. I said I would submit it as is and let my boss decide next steps.
That was 2 months ago. I remember speaking to my boss but I can’t remember if I gave her a hardcopy. I think I did. But that’s not how we normally do things. Usually, we discuss something then send it via email. I can’t find an email where I sent it to her. So, if I were to rely on my fuzzy memory, I can’t say for certain whether or not she has seen it. I’m pretty sure she did but I wouldn’t be able to say that with any certainty. So I have to go on the assumption that we spoke about it but that was as far as it got.
So here I am, 2 months later. I have to talk to her about this. I’m weary. My mantra has become “I’m better than this.” I thought working in a small office would be interesting and fun. Instead it has turned out to be anything but that. I have a greater workload capacity because I am high-performing. In an effort to be a team player and “help” I’ve become the catch-all for everything. I feel like my job is servicing 20 other people.
This job started out with all of the right feels – opportunity to put processes in place, opportunity to use my years of experience to help build internal structure where none existed, opportunity be part of a team, opportunity to be more than a typical EA. And now it has all of the wrong feels – cleaning up after people, being assigned tasks because nobody wants to do them, becoming the EA of junk.
I have always wanted to be part of a team. I’m not sure why. I think that’s why I became an EA. The exec/EA role is a team. You get things done together, you provide advice (if you’re lucky), you feel needed and valued. I don’t doubt that I am needed and valued. However, I believe that the wrong people need me and, at the end of the day, I’m valued because I get stuff done – not for my years of knowledge and experience.
I saw a quote the other day – I can’t remember where I read it and I’m not sure who it was attributed to. It read “If you are introduced at work as the person (a) who knows everything, (b) to ask if you need anything, and (c) who keeps everything together” then (a) you aren’t being paid enough and (b) you need a new title.
Reality sucks.
Diary of a DOW 