June 18, 2020 – There are a few things that I constantly hear in my head: the closing doors of opportunity and the ticking of a clock.
I send out each resume with hope that maybe this will be the job that I get. Mind you – I’m applying for pretty much any job now. I’ve dumbed down my resume so much that even I don’t recognize myself. Some places respond with polite emails saying that they were “looking for somebody who better matched their requirements”. Some don’t respond at all. i don’t know which is worse. All that aside, i don’t even read the responses anymore. The last response I read said that I wasn’t being considered but also offered free resume coaching. That sent me into a bit of a tailspin. I’ve finally decided that hiring companies should save themselves the trouble of having to try to come up with cute ways of saying ‘you sucked’ and just respond to applicants by email with a big “NO” in the subject line.
I waiver between moments of panic (when I think I will never have a meaningful job again) and resolution/despaire (where I worry that this is my life until DOD). Yes, I met with my financial planner a couple of weeks ago and she introduced me to the acronym that stands for Day of Death.
We were discussing my financial future. We were calculating how much money I would have to live on after age 65. And that dollar amount is dependant upon DOD. She wanted to base it on historical information – my mom (88) and my grandmother (92). So she figures my DOD will be around 90. I immediately thought, “Hell no!”. I told her 75 or 80 maximum.
I mean, what is the point? I have no children/grandchildren to watch grow up. I have no friends that I can hang around with. I have nobody in my life to share those gold years. So what is the point of planning to live to 85 or 90 when you just see more of the same? 30 more years of existing like this? I don’t think so.
I realize that I’m on the downward side of the hill of life and DOD is the finish line. But 30 more years?
The clock ticks and brings me that much closer to DOD.
There is no purpose in my life except to look after my mother. I ensure that she is safe. My sister was right…. She gave me a Christmas card this year and she wrote that she was thankful for everything that I do for mom. Yep. That is what I mean to her and to the rest of my family. Caregiver.
So, yah, my life has no purpose other than to care for someone whose own DOD is fast approaching. So how do you find purpose when all you see is that everything is pointless?
So my dark thoughts grown darker. I look at DOD as a dreaded day – not because I’m afarid to die. In fact, I’m at the point where I can’t wait and I’m afraid that it could be so far off.
I’ve thought about it. When? How? Do I wait for Mom to die so that I don’t have to worry that she’ll be alone? Do I take all of my savings, have a blow-out year or two, and then go? The how is more worrisome – oddly enough. What if i don’t succeed? What if I end up being in a coma, becoming a vegetable, or physically disabled where I can’t care for myself? Then what happens? Life will have become worse than it is now. And I’d be really wondering “What was the point?”
Tick tock.
Diary of a DOW 