September 18, 2020 – I will turn 60 in three weeks. That’s considered a milestone birthday. I don’t really celebrate my birthday. There’s no particular reason – no trauma, no shame – nothing. To me it’s just another day. Yes, I made it through another year but that’s really about it.
I’ve never really felt that birthdays are worth celebrating. It’s fine for other people but it’s just not me. The closest I come to celebrating my birthday is taking the day off of work. I do that more to avoid the people who know it’s my birthday – it’s all of the birthday wishes. I can’t take it; especially when I don’t celebrate it. I end up faking my way through with lots of smiles and thank yous. So I learned early on to take the day off. It’s been a successful tactic. As for family, everyone is spread out all over the continent. My sister here isn’t speaking to me. So not really much to avoid. I’ll take Mom out to dinner.
My niece was, and possibly still is, very into celebrating birthdays. She was horrified when she found out that auntie didn’t do birthdays – even though our birthdays were within a day of each other. She was so into birthdays that we even had to have a birthday cake for Jesus on Christmas Day. After all, we were celebrating his birthday – we must have cake. It actually became a tradition.
So I sit here, in front of my computer, knowing that a big date is looming and, of course, spending a lot of time reflecting on my life. It doesn’t help that I’m also starting a new job the week before and will also be relocating to another town in mid-November. Mom will not be coming with me. She said “I love you but not that much.” It’s a much smaller town and very far north. I had hoped she would come along for the adventure. But she said it was just too far and too cold. I don’t blame her.
Lots of change and upheaval as I hit a milestone. I remember hearing that the three most stressful things in life are: changing jobs, changing your relationship, changing your location. It looks like I’m hitting the perfect storm of stress. Yet, for some reason, I feel really calm about the whole thing.
Yes, I had a moment a couple of days ago where I actually was going to change my mind – not take the job and stay here with Mom. I’m in an 18-month contract job. The salary is pretty good and the people are nice. I went as far as even talking to my supervisor and asking her if I could rescind my resignation. She was fine with it. I spoke to Mom and she said nothing. At first I was disappointed, I wanted to hear what she had to say. Then I realized that she didn’t want to influence my decision.
I sat for a day and stewed. I thought of all of the pros and cons. Could I live through a cold winter? Could I live in a new, much smaller, town where I know nobody? Could I live without Mom? How would Mom survive on her own?
Finally I realized that the pros definitely outweighed the cons. I would miss Mom but she wouldn’t be that far away. So I approach the milestone setting my sights on starting a new chapter in my life. A new adventure. As my nice so eloquently put it, “Auntie, you are staring in your own W Movie-of-the-Week.” Made me smile, laugh, and tear up a little.
Diary of a DOW 