September 26, 2020 – A few weeks ago I wrote about changes and looking forward to a new adventure in a new city.
I had rented an apartment and was figuring out what to do – move everything or just pack the bare essentials into boxes, have them shipped up and buy the bigger items there. I hardly did much work. I spent most of my time researching, planning and making lists. It’s what I do. It’s my comfort zone. I even printed a mini calendar so I could plan out the next three months. Mom had found an apartment so she was planning too. It was all coming together.
I was excited and nervous. New job. New town. I was afraid that I might end up hating it there and I would be stranded – stuck in a job and nowhere to go. I watched my mom struggle. She kept asking me how much things, like apartment insurance, cost. I could see that living with me had left her a it out of touch with how much things cost. It also didn’t help that I had been saying that our cable bill was lower than it really was. Why did I do that? Because I got tired if hearing complaints about how slow the internet was. So, I bumped up the speed and didn’t say anything. I’ve been absorbing the cost for four years.
So, reality was hitting Mom pretty hard in the pocketbook. She said she would cut costs – like not going to bingo. When I said, “But you love bingo!”, she said, “Yes. But I can’t afford it.” GUILT. Yes, full-on uppercase. Whether it was intentional or not, she taught a master class in it.
So, suffice it to say, I ended up turning down the job. I spoke to my boss that night and asked if I could rescind my resignation. She had to check. I would know in the morning. I didn’t say anything to Mom. I asked her when she had to give her deposit and she said she had a week. So I kept quiet and waited. It was a long night.
The next morning, my boss said that everything had been halted. I could say! What a relief! I typed up an email to my other boss and explained that I couldn’t take the job. I cited my mom’s health and said they wouldn’t have 100% of my attention. I never heard back from them. I began to undo everything – cancelled the apartment, the apartment insurance and informed my current landlord that I wasn’t moving. The property manager in the new place was really kind. She said she totally understood – it was a big move. But that didn’t stop her from keeping my full deposit!
I came home from work and told Mom that I wasn’t moving. She looked at me and said she could take all of this stress. I apologized. I told her it wasn’t the right move for me. I said I knew I was doing the right then when I had moved across the country. I didn’t have cold feet, no apprehension, no regrets. However, with this move, I couldn’t say the same thing. It just wasn’t sitting right with me. So I was going to stay. We never spoke of it again. She seemed happy with that explanation.
Part of me was a little sad – the adventure would have to wait. But most of me knew that I had made the right decision. I’ll try to remember that.
Diary of a DOW 