December 25, 2020 – “So this is Christmas. And what have you done? Another year over. And a new one just begun.” – John Lennon, Happy Xmas (War is Over), 1971.
I have always found Christmas to be a depressing time of year. I am a cynic and have trouble dealing with the feigned jolly nature that people exude. I find so much of the emotion surrounding Christmas to be forced. I can’t pretend. I can wish someone well and all of the best for the holidays. But I can’t help thinking about those who have nothing and/or nothing to celebrate.
I look at my family – spread out across the continent. They are in contact with my mother but nobody speaks to anyone else. They rely on her to circulate any news. I often wonder what will happen when she passes.
My brother phoned my mother on Christmas Eve and told her he was going to arrange for the family to video conference on Christmas Day. He emailed the link to everyone with a time. Then he kept messaging my mom to ask her if I had received the link. No direct inquiry to me. His main concern was that my mother be on the call. And that’s how it goes.
Just prior to 1pm on Christmas Day, I set up my iPad for my mom and logged in to the call. There was my brother, waiting patiently for everybody to join. I wished him a Merry Christmas and told him that I had to get the turkey ready. Those were the last words I said to him and my only participation in the video conference.
I went about the rest of my afternoon – preparing for dinner. I’d listen in as the others shared their experiences and their opinions about the pandemic. I learned that my sister and her son had contracted COVID – him a mild case and her more severe. It was a bit of a shock but not surprising to hear that my sister could notify her work that she was ill but not take two minutes to update anyone in the family. But this is what it’s like to be in a dysfunctional family.
In between doing prep work, I’d listen while they dispensed advice. They told my nephew that surviving a mild case of COVID didn’t mean he should travel to the U.S. for New Year’s Eve. They advised my niece about the pitfalls of foreign exchange rates. They gave my sister dog obedience advice.
As the call continued, I wondered if my family would try to include me in the conversations if I sat in front of a webcam. I realized that the answer would be “probably not.” They have never taken an interest in what I do unless it pertains to the care of my mother. “Is she wearing a mask? Is she keeping away from you when she’s sick?” I have one sister, who when she found out I had lost my job, suggested I apply for a receptionist position in her company. My brother looked at her and said, “She’s an Executive Assistant. That’s quite a drop.” She just looked at him and blinked. That’s usually what she does when she doesn’t want to say something unkind – she lets the recipient of the blinking stare come to their own conclusion.
I went and sat on the couch and thought about the roller coaster year that has been. I reflected on how I started 2020 being unemployed and at the end of 2020 I had a contract job and a solid part-time job. I thought about what I wanted for 2021. I tried to identify how many of my wishes were realistic and how many were dreams that would never be attained.
I realized that this is what it has always been like when my family got together. Everybody else talking and me just sitting there, not participating and having my own random thoughts to pass the time. The call lasted 4 hours. Nobody missed my presence.
Diary of a DOW 