January 17, 2022 – Mom moved out on Friday afternoon.
She announced at the beginning of December that she wanted to move to a seniors building where they had activities and opportunities for seniors to socialize. Totally understandable. She had been sick for a couple of weeks. I think she had a lot of time to think while she was lying in bed. She had always been a bit of social person (way more than me). And I think she realized that she wasn’t living the life she wanted to. Again, totally understandable. It did catch me off-guard, though.
So, she rented an apartment as of mid-December with the intent that she would slowly move in the things that she didn’t need. Mom is not a planner but she said she wouldn’t need my help. My sister-in-law and my sister would help her with this. So I stayed out of it and left her to herself to start sorting through her stuff. I ended up moving almost all of the light stuff. I would, periodically, ask if she had sorted through enough things to do a drop off at the new place. One time, I had to explain to her about not making things too heavy to lift. So, we slowly began moving things over to the new place. It was painful and it seemed like every day, we were running over with a few things. It was exhausting. It seemed like it was never going to end. And there were a few times when I wanted to shout, “Just move already!”
The move of her larger items was filled with some drama, which is why I really held my tongue and just did what she needed me to do. My sister committed my nephew and his friend to move the larger items (recliner, dresser, etc.). When she committed them, the nephew was out of town. So, she couldn’t confirm dates. “We’ll be in touch.” And as time passed, and Mom made her arrangements for cable and utilities, thinking that she would be moving in the first week of January. She heard nothing until just before New Years. My nephew called and said it was too cold and that he would call her when it warms up. And, yes, it was really cold. However, there wasn’t a lot of stuff. So, it’s not like you are outside for any length of time. But she was accepting of that. My response was, “Well, if you wait until it’s warm then you’ll be moving in June.”
At some point she came up with the idea that she could move her computer to her new place, I could drop her off every morning and then pick her up at bed time. I looked at her and said, “You mean like daycare?” She laughed. I told her that we’d have to leave here at 6:30 in the morning. So I could drop her off, come back to the apartment, park my car and then catch the bus to work. And she could call me when she was ready to come home. I know why she was doing it – she was eager to get on with her life as well. But I don’t think she had thought that one through. Thankfully, she didn’t do that.
So, when the weathermen started saying we were in for a warmup, I think we both expected to hear from the nephew. And she didn’t. I kept out of it. I didn’t want Mom to feel like I was pushing her out. So, I made sure I didn’t bring up the move. It was now January 10th. What had been the point of paying for a ½ month rent in December if she still wasn’t in her place in the middle of January? I think Mom was tired of waiting. I came home from work on the 11th and she told me that had booked movers and contacted my sister (not sure if it was by telephone or messenger) and told her that she was hiring movers. I didn’t ask what the response was. I’m sure the nephew and his friend were relieved. And, in retrospect, so was I. The chaos in the apartment was finally coming to an end.
But there is still stuff left here that I will have to deal with. Mom wasn’t taking her double bed and a few other things. I would point at things and ask “are you taking this?” She would respond with a yes or no. And if it was ‘no’, then I had to ask the follow-up questions – are you not taking it now but you’ll take it once you settle, or are you not taking because you think I want it, or are you not taking it because you don’t want it? Then I would have to remind her that I would be moving in May and I would have to deal with everything that was left. I told her there was no rush. But I would probably start organizing in March or April and start purging and donating the things I won’t need.
After she moved out, I began gathering the things she had left and put them in her room so that they were in a central place. And then I went through the kitchen cupboards and tossed anything with an expiry date. I stripped her bed and washed the sheets. I re-organized the kitchen to how I had always thought it should be. It’s not that I wanted to remove any memory of her. I just needed to begin to make the place feel like mine (even if it is only for 5 months).
I told a colleague that I didn’t realize how much of my daily life revolved around her. That doesn’t mean I didn’t see her. There was still stuff to drop off on Saturday. And I took her grocery shopping. But it hit me on Sunday. I had nowhere to be and nothing to do. My day was my own. It was the first time in 6 years.
I tried to think back to what I used to do when I lived on my own. How did I spend my weekends? I had some routines: grocery shopping, personal care (laundry, hair and nails) and long walks with the dog. There was meeting up with friends for coffee. I read a lot back then. I would think nothing of spending an entire Sunday on the couch listening to music and reading a book. I’d go shopping or to the movies.
Throughout the weekend, I’d wonder if Mom felt the same way – that her life revolved around my plans. We couldn’t go to Bingo if I was working. I preferred to do grocery shopping early in the morning, so she couldn’t come with me.
I can’t ask her because she’ll read more into the question than she should. But there is a part of me that is wondering how she is adjusting to her new found independence.
Diary of a DOW 