January 30, 2022 – Mom has been on her own for two weeks. Which means I’ve been on my own for two weeks too. It’s an odd feeling. I haven’t lived on my own for six years. I find myself with so much time on my hands.
On Friday, a colleague asked me how I was doing. I said that I hadn’t realized how much of my time and focus was spent on Mom. I said it had only been two weeks but it didn’t take me very long to come to that realization. Not that I was complaining. But I hadn’t realized how much of my life revolved around Mom. Again – just an observation not a criticism. I have been very vocal that I made the choice to move here and to live with Mom. I have no regrets.
I’m no longer pre-occupied with the stress of watching a parent age – worrying about every sniffle, cough or ache and pain. I’m no longer pre-occupied with finding ways to get her engaged and out of the house. I’m no longer shopping and meal planning for two. I’m no longer struggling with finding ways to carve out time for myself to be alone – away from her. I find myself with more time on my hands than I thought was ever possible. I still worry about her. I cannot stop that. But there is a gap now where all those worries and stress used to reside. At first, the feeling was a bit uncomfortable. It felt ‘wrong’. But I’m getting used to it.
I don’t spend every waking minute putting Mom’s wants and needs first. The day after Mom moved out, I started gathering all of her remaining things, boxing them up and putting them in her closet. Out of sight – out of mind. It felt a little like she had died but it was also very cathartic. Clearing her stuff away (out of sight) pointed me to the path of starting to think about what I want. I began questioning simple things like changing the set up in the kitchen. Why did the toaster have to be over there? It never made sense to me but that was where Mom wanted it. So, there it sat for 3 years. Things that I never used were boxed up and donated. The layout in the living room and dining room were changed. Lists were made – things to do and things to buy.
Positivity about the future had been missing for such a long time. I thought that this was how my life was going to be until one of us died. I kept telling myself that my time would come after mom died (assuming she went first). Then I could start thinking about me and living for me. So, my wants and needs were boxed up for another time. However, that got so depressing. I found myself dwelling in dark places. Why should death be the only trigger to my happiness?
I’m now flooded with ideas of how I want to live. Now, everywhere I turn, I see possibilities. Depression has been replaced with cautious optimism. My mind is now focused on the future – in a good way. Although, I am obsessed with dust. I see it everywhere and I spend a lot of time sweeping now. And I did finally get to eat pizza with pineapple.
Diary of a DOW 