April 12, 2023 – Yesterday, towards the end of the workday, a colleague and I were talking about pain. Both of us were going through hip joint issues. I was also continuing to deal with complications from an arm I broke last year. We simultaneously said the name, “Jeremy Renner”. We began discussing how he had barely survived/cheated death/call-it-what-you-want and there he was 3 ½ months later on Jimmy Kimmel walking, and kind of dancing across the stage, with the assistance of a cane. I had forgotten to set my PVR for his interview with Diane Sawyer and I was disappointed to find out that I couldn’t view it post-airing anywhere. But I was so glad that I couldn’t sleep Monday night and there he was on screen for me to marvel (pun sort of intended) at the fact that he was there to candidly talk about his accident, promote his show Rennervations, and also be happy that this tragic accident forced him to take a year off. What drugs was/is he on?
My colleague and I both agreed that we weren’t going through anything compared to what he experienced. Yet here we were complaining about the pain and having to go to physio. I spent my bus ride home and most of that evening thinking about Jeremy Renner. And, while I’d like to say it was in that good way – he’s funny, he’s very introspective, he’s hot, loves his family — but it was not. I mean, all of those are true. But I was thinking about how one man could go through so much, keep going, and then say how he felt so bad for the people around him because he was sorry for what he had put them through. They saw it happen and they went through, and are still going through, the recovery process with him. He was even planning to go back and visit the hospitals where he had stayed to apologize for his behaviour.
I can’t imagine his recovery has been all rainbows and sunshine. But there he was, 3 ½ months later, all smiles, happy to be alive, and saying that his guide is “if it doesn’t hurt, I’ll do it.” Just fucking amazing. Me, with my one broken bone, my one titanium plate and my five pins, experienced complications and setbacks. Granted I’m a lot older than Jeremy Renner. Granted I’m also in a lot worse physical shape than Jeremy Renner. I’m paralyzed with fear to walk outside. When I do, my eyes and head are downward scanning the ground for trip and fall hazards. My motto is “look at the ground and make sure you don’t trip.” Hardly a rousing call to action – more like a whimpering, fearful cry of defeat. And sometimes the fear does grip me to the point where I will avoid crossing the road where I fell. Sometimes, I’ll avoid patches on the sidewalk that “look slippery”. Sometimes I’ll just avoid going outside at all. When I went to bed last night, the question I asked myself was, “Why can’t I be like Jeremy Renner?” – just get on with living, embrace the positives, keep trying. And this morning I woke up and the answer I had was, “I don’t know. I just don’t know.” It takes effort to get up every day and face the world and be like Jeremy Renner. I asked myself what it would be like now, one year later, if I had taken all of the energy I’ve used to make sure I “don’t fall” and put that towards getting better (aka being like Jeremy Renner). Where would I be now and, more importantly, is it too late?
Diary of a DOW 