January 20, 2024 – This has been sitting in draft for 3 years. I have a different mindset now. I still have difficulty choosing me but I have come a long way from when this was written. Ironically, “Choose Me” used to appear on my vision board. I removed those words when I was making it this year because I am consciously choosing me.
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Undated – I have a short commute to/from work. It about a 20 minute drive. I usually use the drive time to decompress. Today, I was driving home and thinking about a recent blog.
I thought about how I didn’t ask a guy out at school. I wanted to go out with him and hoped he would ask me. But he never did. I went down a rabbit hole of the high school crushes I had. I recalled me and my best friend, liking two guys who were friends. I had a crush on one. My friend kept flip-flopping. She couldn’t decide who she liked more. One day it would be Guy A and then something would happen and it would be Guy B. Being the loyal friend, I would support her regardless of who she favoured that day. I knew I couldn’t compete – she was cool. She was pretty, dressed cool, smoked, her father let her do what she wanted, She was popular. So, being me, I knew I never stood a chance. All I could hope was to maybe date the one she didn’t pick.
It got me thinking about how I always waited for somebody to choose me. Passive. But I also realized that I never chose me either.
I would always be grateful when anybody chose me. I wouldn’t question why they were choosing me and whether the choice was good for me.
I never chose me. That thought is still in my head – 24 hours later.
I started examining my life. Every choice I have made has been about somebody else’s best interests. Yes, I have benefitted (sometimes). But, more often than not, I have suffered. Okay… maybe “suffered” isn’t the right word. But the decisions were never right for me. I feel like I coasted through life. I let people make decisions. I never really gave any thought to whether any of the decisions were right for me. I was just happy to be included in whatever was going on. I think that was because I never really felt like I had a voice or a say. I never belonged. I was desperate to make connections. To be chosen / included was important to me. And, to continue to belong, you had to go along with whatever was decided.
- Highschool – running for Girls Athletic Council President in Grade 13. Yes, me (a non-athlete), decided to run. I had finished my “run” on the high school yearbook; culminating in being editor in Grade 12. I don’t remember why I ran… other than somebody saying “You should! You’d be great!” I think it was because nobody liked the people who were running. Meanwhile, I wasn’t an athlete. Sure, I went to the games but that was about it. And I won because the names on the ballot were in alphabetical order and my name came first. I was out of my depth in this one. I wasn’t too successful at it and ended up not finishing my term because I ended up quitting school that year.
- Highschool – staying for Grade 13. My marks were horrible. I was barely passing. I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I knew I wasn’t going go to university. I had wanted to go to college to become an admin assistant. My parents said I didn’t need to go to college to do that - just get out and work. So I stayed in high school because I didn’t know what else to do. I had no plans for the future and nowhere else to go. I finally decided to quit after my second term because I was failing so miserably in school and in #1 above that I didn’t want people to know. So I left with my tail between my legs.
- Quitting a job – I had a pretty good paying job with the railway. It was my first real office job. It was supposed to be a summer/contract job but got extended. I ended up staying there for over a year. I quit to go back to school.
- Going back to school – Shortly after we were married, my husband announced that he wanted to go back to school. He was working in a kitchen. The hours weren’t great. The pay was alright. But he kept saying he could be more than that. He decided he wanted to become an electrical engineering technician. He found a course at a private school. We went to an open house and spoke to the counsellors. I should really call them salesmen. They said that because of my income we’d have to pay for everything – no student loans or grants. He suggested that, if I went back to school too, we’d get maximum money from the government in grants and loans and then we could both afford to go. We went home and crunched the numbers. Yes, we could afford it on my salary. My husband kept saying I should go back to school too. I’m not sure if it was out of guilt (he didn’t want me to support him) or if he wanted me to become something more. The school also offered a computer programming course. I signed up for that. We got maximum grants and loans. I hated it. The teachers were industry experts and not necessarily teachers. I didn’t have the discipline to teach myself. I decided to quit after a year. My husband quit shortly after. We ended up with a lot of debt, no professional designation, and no jobs. He ended up going back to work in the kitchen and I ended up in an office.
- Job searches – I have never been so unemployed as when I moved out here. I’ve lost my job twice. So I get desperate to find a job. I apply for anything. It doesn’t matter if I’m suited, if I like the company, or the salary (as long as it pays the bills). I apply for jobs all over the country. I tell myself it’s about finding the right place for me but I wasn’t being true to myself. I just wanted to find a place that wanted me. Sometimes when I think I’m getting too close to being selected, I look at the job and decide it isn’t for me, then I withdraw. I have done that a few times.
I did make some choices that were in my best interests. I started thinking that I should also list the choices that I made for myself:
- Divorce – Yes. That was a painful decision to make. I was married almost 25 years. I think I knew all along that he wasn’t the one for me. But I just kept trying to make it work. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? I guess it is but that only works if you’re both “trying to make it work”. Unfortunately he was from the school of “this should be effortless. it should just work.” We were never on the same page about anything. I constantly compromised to make him happy. I’m not sure which one of us changed. Was it me because I kept wanting more and he wasn’t capable of giving it? Was it me because I didn’t really see the man I married for who he was?
- Selling the house/moving in with my sister – When we decided to split up, my ex wanted to keep the house and rent it out. He said it would keep appreciating. He was right. However, finding good tenants and managing those tenants could be a pain in the ass. He wasn’t sure where he was going to be living so he said I should be looking after things. Basically, I do the work and he gets the benefit. He didn’t want the responsibility. I refused and we sold the house. We made some money and paid off debt. I had moved in with my sister because I wasn’t sure where I wanted to live. I had no furniture, etc. I had looked at apartments near where I was working but the rents were a bit high. And, until we sold the house, money was going to be tight. My sister had a spare room and she said I could move in with her and pay her. That would help her financially and I’d be living in a lovely home. I stayed there for 5 years.
- Moving out on my own – After 5 years of living with my sister, I decided it was time to be on my own. Not that I was dating or had any kind of social life. I think I just wanted to be by myself which is something I never had done before. I went from living at home to living with my husband to living with my sister. I was tired of the commute to work. The drive was killing me. 110KM a day on my car. I wanted to get a dog. So, I found a cute little pet friendly bachelor apartment right near my office.
- Adopting the dog – When I went to the rescue to adopt a dog, I had already identified the dog I wanted. There were other dogs there at the time and I ended up adopting another dog. He was a great companion. He was quiet and just wanted to “be” – like his owner. We were great together. He was a great companion. He didn’t ask for much and never hogged the bed. Because of him, I got to meet people. So, I never really felt alone. I still miss him.
- Quitting my job to move out west – Maybe not the brightest idea but it was what I wanted. My job was secure and paid well. Sure – I didn’t quite get along with my supervisor. But I think I could have managed the relationship with some coaching and a little effort on my part. And, the job market out here has been horrible. I’ve been unemployed for 2.5 of the 5 years I’ve been here.
- Living with my other sister – Yes, I chose to do that when I moved out here. I knew I wouldn’t have a job. She had a spare room. Sound familiar? We never really talked about anything before I moved in with her. She had “rules” and because it was her house I had to follow them. The one that bothered me the most was her not wanting to have my pets upstairs. I was so used to having the cat and dog sleep with me. It was a very hard year. But I didn’t have to pay rent. I bought food. I knew that, eventually, I would have to get my own place.
- Buying the trailer – Maybe also not my best idea. But I chose to do it. It was cheap housing. You could feel like you were living in a bungalow. However, I wasn’t cut out to be a homeowner. I didn’t like mowing the lawn – hated shoveling the driveway even more. I eventually sold the trailer. I lost money but I was glad to be rid of it.
- Living with my mom. My original reason for moving out here was to be nearer to my mom. She moved in with me right after I bought the trailer. I really enjoyed her company. I got to know my mom as an adult and not just as “mom” (if that makes sense). After 6 years together mom announced she was moving to a seniors building. I ended up moving to the building next door – close enough to help out but allowing both of us our own space. I tell people that it was a blessing and a curse. I’m so glad I got to spend the time with my mom and sometimes it was a bit frustrating. But I wouldn’t change it for anything.
Diary of a DOW 